So, one of the most ridiculous things about foster parenting...I can authorize medical treatment for them. If they need surgery, I can sign off on that. But without either a signature from their birth parent or a judge (or social worker? We aren't sure) we couldn't get their hair cut. And they needed it. They were crazy shaggy.
At their visit with birth mom, the visit monitor was supposed to get her to sign the haircut waiver. She didn't. We talked to our agency social worker. She didn't know but gave the "helpful" suggestion to call the county social worker (um, I'm sorry, but isn't it your job to get questions answered for us. and further, isn't it your job to know answers to, what seems to be, a fairly common question?). County social worker said that they might have to get the judge to sign it if mom hadn't. Mom doesn't live nearby for them to just drop by and get it signed.
They're not American Indian, with strong cultural ties to long hair. They didn't have cool haircuts, and we weren't trying to shave their heads or give them mohawks. Good grief.
Finally, someone called birth mom and got her verbal okay to cut their hair (no buzz cuts!) How lame is that?
Saturday, February 15, 2014
Friday, February 14, 2014
Meeting the Oregon Family
We made plans to meet with their Oregon family members on Friday Feb. 14th. We would meet with them at 11am since Thing 1 had school at 12:30.
They woke up feeling sick. We had to call him in sick, but it was too late to cancel, since the family was driving from Oregon. We got to the McDonalds a little early and ordered food.We saw them come in, a nice looking couple. The adoption social worker came in right after. We all sat down to talk and let them meet the boys. They were excited and happy since so many people were paying attention to them. They had children of their own, the youngest was 10. They are licensed for childcare so getting a foster license would be no problem.
I sat and talked to the adoption social worker for a while, and told her some of the difficulties we were having, and got some information about what was going on with their case. She said that this was good, having the Oregon family as an option but it would be difficult since they would have to get all sorts of out-of-state waivers. I said we would really like for any transfer to happen after school lets out since his education had been so disrupted to begin with. She also said that, as their guardians, we actually had far more claim on permanency than these family members, since the boys don't know them and we have been caring for them. I mentioned that we were having trouble getting a waiver to get their hair cut.
Our visit ended with the boys getting gifts from their new friends--stuffed doggies.
They woke up feeling sick. We had to call him in sick, but it was too late to cancel, since the family was driving from Oregon. We got to the McDonalds a little early and ordered food.We saw them come in, a nice looking couple. The adoption social worker came in right after. We all sat down to talk and let them meet the boys. They were excited and happy since so many people were paying attention to them. They had children of their own, the youngest was 10. They are licensed for childcare so getting a foster license would be no problem.
I sat and talked to the adoption social worker for a while, and told her some of the difficulties we were having, and got some information about what was going on with their case. She said that this was good, having the Oregon family as an option but it would be difficult since they would have to get all sorts of out-of-state waivers. I said we would really like for any transfer to happen after school lets out since his education had been so disrupted to begin with. She also said that, as their guardians, we actually had far more claim on permanency than these family members, since the boys don't know them and we have been caring for them. I mentioned that we were having trouble getting a waiver to get their hair cut.
Our visit ended with the boys getting gifts from their new friends--stuffed doggies.
Friday, January 31, 2014
Gathering history
What a gift having State Preschool available for Thing 1 was for our sanity. He would go to school from 12:30 to 3:30 each day, get some much needed academic and social teaching, and James would get some much needed respite from having near-constant power struggles and tantrums. One of the things that the preschool insisted on was that he not wear pull-ups to school. When they came to us, that was all he wore, and he would go to the bathroom only if he felt like it or if we made him. He also only pooped at night in the pull-up. That was another source of complete meltdown--if we insisted he poop on the potty, or merely suggested it sometimes, he would freak right the hell out.
We were going through underwear pretty frequently at home, but most days at school he did okay. He had to use his emergency change of clothes now and then. I asked his teacher if he has the same outbursts at school as he did at home. She was surprised--she had never seen him do that. She suggested that he may be able to keep it together in one element of his life so he chose school and then let loose at home.
We were slowly gathering a better picture of their life before us. They were with their former foster parents through the FFA for about 2 weeks. These people, I believe, are a major source of a lot of the bathroom issues. Thing 1 would just freak out about poop--his own, his brother's, any he saw outside. If we were cleaning him up, he would apologize profusely. It got to wear we figured he was made to feel ashamed about it, We would just reassure him that poop is no big deal, we can clean it up, and if it gets on our hands, oh well, we can wash them. Our mantra became everyone poops, even mommy, daddy, and the president of the USA. I was so hurt and angry for him though, that he was made to feel that way.
Before that family, they were with "Aunty" whom we could not figure out if she was biologically related or if that was just a title. They were with her for a fairly long time, maybe 9 months or a year. When she lost custody of them is was traumatic, with the kids being removed abruptly at night with little more than the clothes they were wearing. When their adoption social worker first visited our house, Thing 1 got agitated, then finally walked up to me, got really close to my face and asked "Where are we sleeping tonight?" We found out that when they were removed, she was the one who took them into custody.
We learned that Thing 2's birth father was incarcerated, in some sort of work camp at the moment, and that birth mom had recently married to the father of her infant daughter.
Keep in mind that none of this information came from the FFA. They claimed to know nothing about them. Each bit of information came to us through conversations with their county social workers, Thing 1's counselor, and through piecing together what the Thing 1 would tell us.
One thing that the counselor told us that ran chills down my spine--Thing 1 is a high level placement and if a permanency plan wasn't found for him, his next stop would be a group home and they would be separated.
We were going through underwear pretty frequently at home, but most days at school he did okay. He had to use his emergency change of clothes now and then. I asked his teacher if he has the same outbursts at school as he did at home. She was surprised--she had never seen him do that. She suggested that he may be able to keep it together in one element of his life so he chose school and then let loose at home.
We were slowly gathering a better picture of their life before us. They were with their former foster parents through the FFA for about 2 weeks. These people, I believe, are a major source of a lot of the bathroom issues. Thing 1 would just freak out about poop--his own, his brother's, any he saw outside. If we were cleaning him up, he would apologize profusely. It got to wear we figured he was made to feel ashamed about it, We would just reassure him that poop is no big deal, we can clean it up, and if it gets on our hands, oh well, we can wash them. Our mantra became everyone poops, even mommy, daddy, and the president of the USA. I was so hurt and angry for him though, that he was made to feel that way.
Before that family, they were with "Aunty" whom we could not figure out if she was biologically related or if that was just a title. They were with her for a fairly long time, maybe 9 months or a year. When she lost custody of them is was traumatic, with the kids being removed abruptly at night with little more than the clothes they were wearing. When their adoption social worker first visited our house, Thing 1 got agitated, then finally walked up to me, got really close to my face and asked "Where are we sleeping tonight?" We found out that when they were removed, she was the one who took them into custody.
We learned that Thing 2's birth father was incarcerated, in some sort of work camp at the moment, and that birth mom had recently married to the father of her infant daughter.
Keep in mind that none of this information came from the FFA. They claimed to know nothing about them. Each bit of information came to us through conversations with their county social workers, Thing 1's counselor, and through piecing together what the Thing 1 would tell us.
One thing that the counselor told us that ran chills down my spine--Thing 1 is a high level placement and if a permanency plan wasn't found for him, his next stop would be a group home and they would be separated.
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
My Break Down
James and I were tense all the time. It was difficult for me, the one who grew up with 2 younger siblings, who has a Masters degree in Human Behavior, who has made a career of working with kids, to be this overwhelmingly bad at being with THESE kids. I dreaded the moment each morning when I first heard them stir, and I was on edge all night, waiting for the next cry of "Mommy?"
I finally broke down one morning and as James was trying to calm me down, I blurted out "I just don't love these kids. I thought I loved all kids but I don't." I was at my breaking point. We were have 2 to 5 45 minute tantrums from Thing 1 a day, no matter what we were doing, Thing 2 was trying to run away or climb something, our cat was refusing to eat or groom himself so I was certain he would die...I was just done.
James was so much better at it than me. He kept calm and cool, he didn't yell like I kept finding myself doing on a regular basis. He was able to ignore things that I couldn't. I was counting down to the end of the 6 month placement.
We heard from their adoption social worker that they had a distant relative that might want to take custody. They live in Oregon, have never met the boys, and have no contact with birth mom. We were given their email address and decided to meet at McDonald's on Feb. 14th.
I finally broke down one morning and as James was trying to calm me down, I blurted out "I just don't love these kids. I thought I loved all kids but I don't." I was at my breaking point. We were have 2 to 5 45 minute tantrums from Thing 1 a day, no matter what we were doing, Thing 2 was trying to run away or climb something, our cat was refusing to eat or groom himself so I was certain he would die...I was just done.
James was so much better at it than me. He kept calm and cool, he didn't yell like I kept finding myself doing on a regular basis. He was able to ignore things that I couldn't. I was counting down to the end of the 6 month placement.
We heard from their adoption social worker that they had a distant relative that might want to take custody. They live in Oregon, have never met the boys, and have no contact with birth mom. We were given their email address and decided to meet at McDonald's on Feb. 14th.
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
A visit with Birth Mom--or so we thought...
They had a visit scheduled to see birth mom. We had been told that she wouldn't get a visit until the end of February so that they could settle in for a while but apparently not everyone was on the same page with that.
James took them to Shasta County for the visit. He dropped them off at the door, and the visit monitor took them from there. I guess the parents are to enter at a different spot so that there's no cross-over. He hung around, got some food, and came back just before the hour was up. The social worker stopped to talk to him for a while. I guess grandma attended the visit. Mom was going to come, but had a fight with grandma that morning and didn't show up.
The boys came back out, happy to see James, and got into the car. When they got home, though, that is when we began to see some behavior issues. Thing 1 got really belligerent and had a few more tantrums than usual over the next several days.
James took them to Shasta County for the visit. He dropped them off at the door, and the visit monitor took them from there. I guess the parents are to enter at a different spot so that there's no cross-over. He hung around, got some food, and came back just before the hour was up. The social worker stopped to talk to him for a while. I guess grandma attended the visit. Mom was going to come, but had a fight with grandma that morning and didn't show up.
The boys came back out, happy to see James, and got into the car. When they got home, though, that is when we began to see some behavior issues. Thing 1 got really belligerent and had a few more tantrums than usual over the next several days.
Monday, January 27, 2014
Making Observations and Getting Validations
While we were in Sacramento, we made some contact with various people connected with the boys. Their "adoption social worker" called, as did Thing 1's counselor. We heard from their county worker as well.
We met with the adoption social worker. She came over a couple of days after we got back home. The first thing I did was relate a bit about the issues we had had, particularly with the tantrums. She said that, yes, that was an issue with him at a previous home as well. She seemed surprised we didn't have any history there. I let her know that any time I mentioned it to FFA staff, they seemed dismissive or surprised that he was acting like that. The worker stated that if kids fell on a scale from 1 to 10 of easy to hard, our boys would be 8s or 9s. I don't know why, but I felt so much better after she said that.
We also met with the counselor. He, too, confirmed the tantrums and the issues with obsessive behaviors. He noted that, as we would have a bio mom visit during the next month, we might experience some behavioral issues. Mom, he said, is a very unsafe entity and her presence makes Thing 1 uneasy. Not that he doesn't love her, but he acts out and mom doesn't really have good skills for dealing with them even for a short visit. He said his goal was primarily to work with us on how to work with him.
We were making lots of observations. Like, Thing 2 only really likes to eat cheese and bananas and he walks on his toes. A lot. Which really worried me. Thing 2 would claim he was hungry all the time, but most especially when he was asked to do something. He also asks questions, but not the way I have experienced before with nieces and friends kids. He would ask the exact same question over and over, with the same inflection and tone akin to panic, regardless of the question. We finally had to start telling him that the question has been answered and we weren't going to answer it again.
Thing 2 ran from me on a regular basis. Once, with friends over, we had all the kids playing in the yard. He watched us, growing steadily closer to the edge of the back yard. When he seemed to determine that we were too far to catch him, he bolted. I chased him down but couldn't catch him until he reached the neighbor's yard--across the street. He also had almost no language. He could understand us, but he mainly only could say "no wan' that" and nod or shake his head.
We met with the adoption social worker. She came over a couple of days after we got back home. The first thing I did was relate a bit about the issues we had had, particularly with the tantrums. She said that, yes, that was an issue with him at a previous home as well. She seemed surprised we didn't have any history there. I let her know that any time I mentioned it to FFA staff, they seemed dismissive or surprised that he was acting like that. The worker stated that if kids fell on a scale from 1 to 10 of easy to hard, our boys would be 8s or 9s. I don't know why, but I felt so much better after she said that.
We also met with the counselor. He, too, confirmed the tantrums and the issues with obsessive behaviors. He noted that, as we would have a bio mom visit during the next month, we might experience some behavioral issues. Mom, he said, is a very unsafe entity and her presence makes Thing 1 uneasy. Not that he doesn't love her, but he acts out and mom doesn't really have good skills for dealing with them even for a short visit. He said his goal was primarily to work with us on how to work with him.
We were making lots of observations. Like, Thing 2 only really likes to eat cheese and bananas and he walks on his toes. A lot. Which really worried me. Thing 2 would claim he was hungry all the time, but most especially when he was asked to do something. He also asks questions, but not the way I have experienced before with nieces and friends kids. He would ask the exact same question over and over, with the same inflection and tone akin to panic, regardless of the question. We finally had to start telling him that the question has been answered and we weren't going to answer it again.
Thing 2 ran from me on a regular basis. Once, with friends over, we had all the kids playing in the yard. He watched us, growing steadily closer to the edge of the back yard. When he seemed to determine that we were too far to catch him, he bolted. I chased him down but couldn't catch him until he reached the neighbor's yard--across the street. He also had almost no language. He could understand us, but he mainly only could say "no wan' that" and nod or shake his head.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Pluses and Minuses
The huge plus to working where I do is that I work closely with the preschool department. My supervisor also supervises early childhood education. They expedited Thing 1's enrollment into preschool. He started that first Thursday.
The second full week we had them, I had a conference in Sacramento, so everyone went with me. While packing, we first pulled out their FFA issued duffle bags, but the boys got very uneasy seeing those, so I put them back and got out a regular suitcase for them. We went to our hotel, and proceeded to spend a very wet week with two moderately out of control children cooped up without a whole lot of entertainment options. James had them in the room most of the day while I did my work. Each evening we went to whatever indoor playgrounds we could find, spending an inordinate amount of time at either McDonald's or the mall. It was fairly miserable.
The second full week we had them, I had a conference in Sacramento, so everyone went with me. While packing, we first pulled out their FFA issued duffle bags, but the boys got very uneasy seeing those, so I put them back and got out a regular suitcase for them. We went to our hotel, and proceeded to spend a very wet week with two moderately out of control children cooped up without a whole lot of entertainment options. James had them in the room most of the day while I did my work. Each evening we went to whatever indoor playgrounds we could find, spending an inordinate amount of time at either McDonald's or the mall. It was fairly miserable.
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